Where were we? Ah yes, a giant white light and breathtaking figures appear. Richard was sitting there crying when two figures would appear that would change their life forever.
Hold on a second. I am receiving a phone call and I am using my talk to text app to narrate this story.
WOULD YOU STOP CALLING ME ABOUT MY CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY. I don’t even own a car; I have a moped that goes less than 40cc and the warranty that I have that is still in date even if it is for a vacuum cleaner, I bought a couple of years ago. So, if you don’t stop calling me, I am going to come to your house, open everything you own that and pee on it to claim it as mine.
Fuckers hung up on me. Seriously, if any politician reads this, pull your head out of your ass, and do something about this. We will entice you with Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes.
Mysterious Figures, Sad man sitting alone. And go!
“Excuse me?” Richard asked. “Did you just tell me to stop being a Bippity Boppity Bitch? Have you never seen a grown man cry?”
“We have seen men cry. That is not the problem here, the problem here is that you don’t want to be here anymore.” Mysterious Figure #1 says.
“I am not going to give you the spiel of you have so much to offer or other people would be sad. You hear that enough year in and year out from people who do not have qualifications to be giving advice drunkenly through a Wendy’s Drive thru.” Mysterious Figure #2 exclaims.
“I have no idea who the hell the two of you are. Why should I even talk to either one of you? How in the hell did the two of you get up on this balcony?” Richard asks.
“Red Bulls.” #1 says sarcastically while showing their wings.
“Over here dumbass, we are angels.” #2 says.
“Guardian Angels are not real?” Richard responds.
“You’re right, we are the angels that are going to bitch slap you back to reality.” #2 says.
“I am not even sure how to process what is happening. Did I get ahold of some laced weed? This can’t be real.” Richard says.
“Oh, it’s real.” #1 says. “Want to know how real?”
Mysterious Figure #2 kicks our story’s Santa square in the sugar plums with no remorse as if they are mother on a long car ride with a flip flop.
“Fuck.” Richard says in a high-pitched squeal.
While Santa is getting his chestnuts roasted over an open fire, we return to the North Pole War room as anger between the contestants starts to grow.
“Why would anyone want to enter a pageant to become Santa? What kind of reality show television bull crap is this?” Sharon says aloud.
“Because who doesn’t want to win a sash that says New Santa? Santa can be from a different county, a different race, a different gender. The possibilities are endless. That is why my platform is A Santa by the people for the people.” Hannah says.
Well, this pageant will mimic the 1950s somehow. Jesus, with that type of answer, we are one step away from hearing world peace as a platform.
“My platform is to make people realize the greatness that is Ghostbusters 2.” Brodie says.
“No one liked that movie. They tolerate that movie.” Bryan says.
Brodie becomes angered.
“Excuse you, Ghostbusters 2 is a masterpiece of cinema. At no point will we ever experience the genius of those 4 actors together on the screen at the same time. GB2 is beauty personified.” Brodie says.
“You are full of shit.” Bryan responds.
“Well, since everyone is competing on platform that will better them, my platform is to denounce being Cupid.” Sharon says.
Normally, we do not post spoilers in the middle of the story, but I know that this is an important one. Sharon’s contract that she has to portray the character of Cupid for at least two more stories. Not really sure if that is foreshadowing or not. The network or right-wing conservative conspiracy lunatics that want to burn books may cancel us after this year. So, if you are sitting at home make your sure you have this in your notes. Now back to the story.
Edd and Kindra are plotting in the corner on how to win this pageant or take it over.
“Have you heard who is judging?” Edd asks.
“Not yet.” Replied Kindra.
“I didn’t think so. I wanted to bribe the bastards. I have three Lincolns with their name on it.” Edd says confidently.
“I’m not sure but bribing someone with a Lincoln in a theater may bring bad luck.” Kindra responds.
“Worth a shot.” Edd replies.
Did we really just make a dad joke? Are The Muppets writing this shit now? Someone needs to be fired. Edd and Kindra go over their plan.
“We do this as a couple. And through out the pageant, we cause each contestant to bow out. We make them so uncomfortable that once they quit, the judges have no option but to decide between the two of us. This plan is ultimately perfect.” Edd says while Kindra nods and smiles all sinister.
But there is someone standing in their way, little did they know, they have a pageant queen among them. A ringer if you will.
“I came to this pageant to do three things, #1. I am going to Sleigh the stage and bitches I do not need a Rudolph to do it. #2. You can’t handle this fire. #3. I made an espresso. So, fuck you.” Katt says aloud, where people heard it.
While the sass is happening in one room, on the balcony something else is taking place that is about to change everything.
“First, my nuts are better. I can’t believe you just carry around ice packs.” Richard says.
“You’d be surprised at how many people we have to kick on the nuts on a regular basis.” #2 says.
“It unconventional, but it gets the point across.” #1 says proudly.
“So, why are you here?” Richard asks.
“I’m glad you asked. Some people in high places heard what you had to say.” #1 says
“Colorado.” Richard says
“I will kick you again.” #2 responds quickly.
“Point taken.” Richard says sheepishly
“We heard how much you are struggling. And asking to not want to be alive is a heavy burden to put on anyone. And if you want to carry down that route that is on you. We cannot stop you. But let us try to sway you. Let us change your mind. We want to show the happiness, the weirdness, and what could happen, if you just choose the path you need to do for you.” #1 says.
“That path is why I am feeling this way. That path creates more problems just to live my everyday life. Eventually, I will have to walk away from this cold palace to return to the real world, and do what? Continue to live in a mask day in and day out. I do not think so.” Richard responds.
“You want to play hard ball?” #2 asks.
“Please don’t kick me again.” Richard cringes.
“No, we wouldn’t do that. But is going to happen that at the stroke of 6:07 PM on Christmas eve. (That’s oddly specific.) You will be visited by the Three Ghosts of Christmas.” #1 says.
Let’s wrap our heads around this for a minute. Angels and Suicide, Three Ghost of Christmas. We have run out of ideas if this is the best we can do.
“Hey, we couldn’t afford ghosts this year. Covid budget cuts.” #2 says.
Richard is puzzled. If you want to imagine the face, it’s that one gif.
“So, what could we afford?” #1 asks.
“It looks like the ghosts are going to be replaced by Drag Queens.” #2 says. “The Queen of Christmas Stories Past. The Queen of Christmas Stories Future. But we could only afford the two for the main aspects. The Queen of Christmas Present would have sent us over budget, so we decided to go with the Queen of Obscure Pop Culture References.”
“We can make this work.” #1 replies.
“Hold the potato. So, I will be visited by three drag queens, Past, Future, and obscure Pop Culture references? All right.” Richard says.
He is fine with it, but I am over here wondering where did the author get the weed?
“Sure.” Richard says.
“I know this is a lot to process but since you are not willing to go through that door yourself, which will bring you more happiness than you have experienced, we have to show you another way. Until you can be yourself, this is what you get.” #1 Says.
“I never got your names.” Richard says.
“My name is Wednesday. And girl it’s time to twirl” #2 now Wednesday said.
“And my name is Deepression with two e’s.” #1 said.
“So, I just got told to be myself by Deepression and Wednesday.” Richard says in confusion.
And that my dears is a showstopper for part 3! What will happen with The Three Drag Queens of Christmas show up? Who will own that runway? And will I ever get my Lindt Truffle. Find out in Part 4 Tomorrow.