Alright, gather around your tiny screens. Seriously, if there are more than one of you trying to read this on one device, cast your screen to the television. Nobody wants to be that close to you. So, to recap, the author, the person sitting behind the keyboard decided to treat the main character as if they are a part of The Walking Dead (Not sure how that is still a thing.) and kill them off in the first part. So, honestly, I have no idea where this is going.
Well, if you listened. This wouldn’t be an issue.
What do you mean? You told the world that the main character of these 12 stories is dead before the story even begins. You realize that this will be the second time you have killed Santa in one of these things.
First of all, I deserve that. Second, I said sort of dead.
You are going to have to explain this to me as if I am 5.
I got you.
So, where were we? Ah yes. It is two days before the biggest night of the year and for those of you who do not do well with dates, that makes it December 22nd. Richard is planning the big night for 2021 but is struggling.
“Ashlee, I just do not think I have it in me this year to complete this run. I have never in my life been this mentally exhausted. I can’t find joy in anything anymore. The only thing that puts a smile on my face is being around you.” Richard says with a sad tone.
“I know, honey. We have talked about this for so long, you know what would make you happy. I know what would make you happy. I hate seeing you like this.” Ashlee says.
“I know you are right, but why would I take that risk? I don’t want to lose people in my life. Every year, I sit down and reminisce about how I ended up here. And the people who were here for the first bits of this journey, are no longer a factor in my life. I feel like I am just on an island, that the burden I am carrying will never go away. A lot of people that meant the world to me, gone. And my heart aches. Why would I want to jeopardize the few friendships I cherish?” Richard says.
“Maybe, you need to think about yourself. Do not worry about what they think, worry about what you think. This is your last Christmas as Santa. This night is going to be special. I know you are not in the place to really do this, but I know you will pull out a Christmas that no one will ever forget.” Ashlee says. “Now, get over here and hug me damn it.”
We love a powerful woman. As Richard contemplates what their next move will be, the others argue still about who will be the next Santa. Want to know why? Because we never closed that plot hole from last year and was lambasted for it. So, to make all of you sycophants happy….
“Logically, I am the best person to fill the role of Santa Claus. And before any of you scoff at this idea, I know I may have caused a civil war and rattled a few feathers, I know I can make Christmas special.” Edd says.
The room is confused by this discussion even Edd’s wife, Kindra seems to be a little confused as well.
“We tried to overthrow Christmas for a second Halloween. I am sure the reindeer reins are not going to us.” Kindra says. But she whispers in Edd’s ear, “But it will be ours.”
(Disclaimer: Edd and Kindra are wonderful real people who by no means are bad guys, but for the sake of the story, we need someone to step in this role, plus Kindra hates A Christmas Story. Actually, I take back what I said, boo them. Back to the story.)
“I think I should be Santa. My heart has grown so much over the years. I have softened my outlook on the holiday.” Brodie says.
“I’m still salty that I am now Cupid.” Sharon says.
Sharon to quote one of my favorite movies of all time “Let it GoOoooooooooo”
“How do we choose a new Santa?” Jim asks.
“That is honestly a good question.” Bryan responds.
Now back to Richard and Ashlee as they discuss their next move.
“So, you know everyone is arguing about who the next Santa is going to be.” Ashlee says
“Those fucking Chuckle heads. Don’t they know that I gave everyone the power of Santa last year?” Richard says while cackling.
“But there still needs to be someone at the top of the food chain?” Ashlee says. “Someone will still have to be Santa.” Ashlee says.
“Not really. When I enacted Clause 37 last year, the power of Santa went to everyone. Santa’s legacy is preserved for eternity. Santa just becomes a character.” As Richard is about to continue.
“You may want to tell them that.” Ashlee points at the computer monitor to watch a gaggle of grown adults fighting over the title of Santa.
The two stare at the screen as if they are watching a pro wrestling match, I would have said a Jake Paul fight, but there is actual fighting happening. The two look on in horror at the group of fighting, they also can’t look away. It’s as if it was a car crash in a small town that you have to drive by twice to just get back home.
“I have an idea.” Richard exclaims.
“And what would that be?” Ashlee asks.
“I am going to mess with them one more time.” Richard says.
The Christmas war room is starting to come across as an episode of Tiger King, the doors go flying open. Richard walks in that room as if he owned the place.
“Enough. There is only one way to settle who gets to be the next Santa. And that is with a good ole fashion, Pageant. The pageant will take place on Friday, and the winner will be crowned the next Santa.” Richard exclaims.
He shuts the doors behind him and just starts laughing. And heads back to their room to watch the implosion.
“What the hell have you done?” Ashlee asks.
“Added some chaos.” Richard says.
“At least that made you smile.” Ashlee responds.
“I know it will be a train wreck. But that is the reason I am afraid to tell everyone. As weird as those asshats are, I love all of them. They don’t know how much I need them and the thought of losing them, and losing family rips my insides as if it were wrapping paper. I may never be me, and that hurts a lot.” Richard says. “I am worried about hurting you. And possibly ruining your life with all of this.”
“You are not going to ruin my life. You are my person forever. I am with you. Pikachu, I choose you.” Ashlee says. “I’m going to bed. Don’t stay up too late please.”
Richard nods his head and proceeds to the balcony to have an inner monologue with themselves. The thing that all characters do when they are going through something difficult. Look, if you think we will be hitting all tropes and cliches during this story, buckle up. He looks up at the night sky.
“Who does Santa talk to when they want something for Christmas. I guess I am left to talk to you, sky daddy.”
(Let’s never call him Sky Daddy again. That is a little weird)
“I used to love this time of year. I woke up everyday and put on a Santa hat. I would go out of my way to make others smile, but I never took the step to make myself smile. Every time I look in the mirror, I just feel more depressed. Hell, every time I wake up, I wish I wouldn’t. I sit hidden behind a mask of hiding who I really am, and why, because I do not want to rock the boat. The few people I have talked about this with, they walked out of my life and never looked back. Why would I want to tell everyone? I have had people tell me I can’t be myself because you wouldn’t approve, that it’s against your word. But they are allowed to walk around and destroy people’s lives because they do not approve what they can’t understand. Why would I want to face that in this world? Why can’t you make it where I never wake up? Why did you even allow me to be born? The best option for everyone would be if I didn’t even exist.”
Richard sits down on a bench. Tears flow from his eyes. When a giant bright light appears in front of him.
And two figures appear in front of him, the only words to describe these two are breathtakingly beautiful.
“Are you done being a Bippty Boppity Bitch?”
Who are these figures? What will happen at the pageant? Why haven’t I had a Lindt Truffle for Christmas? All this and more will be revealed in part 3 of The 12th Stereotypical Story of Christmas.