Sorry for not updating you yesterday with a part, I was neck deep in some Lindt Truffles, and I may have lost track of time and my waist band a little. So, where are we? Ah yes, I remember now, Brodie had just won the pageant, but instead of bragging about winning, he decided to break the crown in pieces and give a little to each contestant because the limit does not exist. Or some bullshit like that. Due to time constraints, we will be saving the pageant as a spinoff story in 2022.
“Wait, I won. The pageant wasn’t over in the story.” Brodie asks the narrator.
Yeah. You won because you are the first one I found at the top of my list. So Congrats. And that does mean more Christmas in 2022 because I just forced that to happen. The author cannot back out now. Suck it.
Richard comes back from the balcony confused about what is happening. He sits down on the edge of the bed and wakes up his wife.
“Ashlee, I was just visited by angels who said I am going to be visited by 3 drag queens.” Richard says
“Honey, you are imagining that. I am guessing the candy cane you ate was tainted.” Ashlee responds.
At that moment a giant bright light takes over the room. For some reason, we really love bright lights in these stories. If any of these stories ever get made for a straight to YouTube special, invest in a mag lite. That is all we are saying. Richard is blinded by the light, Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night. I bet that shit is now stuck in your head. As the first two drag queens appear before him.
“Did someone say taint? Prepare to be entertainted.” The Queen of Christmas Stories Past says.
“Mama, I don’t think entertainted is a word.” The Queen of Pop Culture References says.
“Daughter, do not back talk to your mother.” QoCSP says to the QoPCR.
“Jesus Tits.” Richard yells.
“Ah yes. Young Richard, what a pleasure it is to see you again.” QoCSP says.
“See again?” Richard is puzzled.
“In due time.” QoCSP says. “I am the Queen of Christmas Stories Past but you may call me Sophia. And this here is one of my beloved daughter and the Queen of Pop Culture References but you can call her Stevie. And the Queen of Christmas Futures is running behind, but she did text to say she would be here shortly. And also a daughter, and her name is Terra.”
“How many daughters do you have and also, we couldn’t get any Ru girls to do this?” Richard asks.
Um no. Ru Girls are expensive and since we are on a Covid budget we had to find queens who would work for Waffle House coupons.
“Alright. So, Sophia and Stevie, what are the plans?” Richard asks.
“I am glad you asked that sis.” Stevie responds.
“Sis?” Richard questions.
“You damn well know exactly what I am talking about. We are going to jump back into points in these stories to show why you need to stay.” Stevie says.
“The idea is to make you love the holidays again but more importantly love yourself.” Sophia responds.
“So, what’s are first stop?” Richard asks.
“Well, grab my hand.” Sophia says.
“I don’t want to. I don’t know where it’s been.” Richard responds.
Stevie starts laughing uncontrollably. “Mama, they have a point.” Stevie.
“Not you too daughter. Why can’t my drag kids respect me?” Sophia says.
“Because….” Richard begins to say. But Sophia grabs touches his shoulder sending the three into a spiral all the way back to a year not riddled with the thought the world would end. 2011.
We are in the spin cycle again. I hope someday we finally hit the rinse cycle. We land outside a sound studio. The only option here is that all four of us get and walk in. It is completely pitch black. The applause sign flashes. Then an announcer comes over. “You have seen a Bing Crosby Christmas but that was nothing Compared to this.” All of a sudden, Metal Trees started lighting up. It looked like an industrial scene threw up in here. “It’s time for Lil Nas X Christmas Variety Special with your host Lil Nas X!!!!! Also, guest Starring, Metallica, Motorhead, Anthrax, Ronnie James Dio, King Diamond, Michael W. Smith, Alice Cooper, Gwar, and special guest Kirk Cameron formerly Mike Seaver on Growing Pains with a reading from the Bible.” Shauna, Jill and I each whipped our hair….and head around to see Allan Thicke’s eyes light up more than the Rockefeller Tree. He takes off running toward the stage while Gwar was singing Silent Night. He is running right towards Kirk Cameron. Alan gets maybe 10 feet away from him when out of the blue, Two Security guards tackle Alan Thicke down. “Tell them who I am Mike.” Alan says. Kirk Cameron turns up his nose at his TV dad. “You were part of my evil days. You were part of the antichrist machine known as Hollywood. I do not want anything to do with you.” It was kind of sad to see Alan taken out in hand cuffs crying his eyes out. The three of us just said “Hey Allan. Show Me That Smile Again!!” Alan gave us the finger. What a prick. Alright. I guess, it is back to control central with the two hotties. We get in the sleigh. Hit a button, Wham BAM THAK YOU MAM, we are back in the control room.
“I remember this scene. The special was not hosted Lil Nas X it was hosted by NAME REDACTED.” Richard says. “Why can’t I say NAME REDACTED?” Richard asks.
“You see at the time some of the jokes made through out the stories during their period made sense and had a slight touch of humor. However, in 2021 we learned that some of those people deserve to be thrown in the trash receptacle. So as the Queen of Pop Culture References Past, I decided to make a little more hip to the newer generations or anyone reading this story in 2023.” Stevie says but at that moment all of our phones ding.
A text came to all three of them. “Stevie, the future is my job. Will be there soon. Leaving now.”
“Also, did you write this shit high?” Stevie asked.
“I’ll be honest, I wish I had that excuse. It would make more sense.” Richard responded.
“Do you see how much fun you are having?” Sophia asks.
“Yeah, but a lot of the people from this story are no longer in my life.” Richard says.
“Not even that Chris fellow?” Sophia asks.
“That dude was cool but also a dick.” Richard says.
“I bet he sucked a lot of dick too.” Stevie says while giving the same face the dog gives in the pun memes.
“NEXT STORY.” Sophia says.
Poof White Light of DEATH. Ok, not of death but mildly inconvenient. The trio go all the way back to 2015.
(“Brodie, I am going to say this as nicely as possible. Screw the rules. I am going off script and I am not sure there is much you can do here. I am not going to keep taking you on an emotional roller coaster into the Present and Future, because the present and future is happening at this very moment. And there is not a thing any of us are going to do to stop it. See this woman, this woman gets it. Gets what the meaning of the holiday, gets what the meaning of love is. Try to find that now, it is almost next to impossible…..”
Ashlee enters the room, “Does anyone need anything?”
I get down on one knee and show her one of the most beautiful rings in the world!
“And I have found the impossible. Ashlee, the readers of this story think all of this has been happening for the span of two days. However, it has been longer than that. It may not seem like over half a year, in all honesty, everything with you seems like it has only been three days long. I have never met anyone like you in my life. In the short amount of time, you have shown me what it means to feel loved. We can laugh together, we can cry together. I do not want to go back to knowing a life without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Ashlee, I want you to be my Mrs. Claus. Should I have mentioned that I am the real Santa? I want to experience every first with you. I do not want to live without you anymore. Ashlee, will you be my wife?”)
“Stevie, are you crying?” Richard asks.
“You proposed in a Christmas story?” Stevie asks while Richard nods yes. “That is the most adorably Hallmark thing I have ever read. Also, why the obsession with Alan Thicke? I see that is a constant theme.”
“Alan Thicke was the first real pop culture reference I made in any of the stories that stuck.” Richard.
“Are you ok?” Sophia asks.
“I have no idea.” Richard responds.
“Why not?” Sophia says.
“I am going to lose all of this if I do this.” Richard says.
“Stevie, can you be a dear and give us a minute.” Sophia asks.
“But momma what will I do?” Stevie says inquisitive.
“I don’t know, go chase a cat up a tree.” Sophia says.
All three phones go off at the same time and says… “She does that next year. Stop taking my job. Leaving now. Terra.”
“You won’t lose everything my dear, actually quite the opposite.” Sophia says all philosophical like. “You will gain everything. But for you to do that, you have to take that step.”
“How the hell do you know all of this?”
“I didn’t want to tell you this, but I have been around quite a bit. They didn’t even have to pay me in the Waffle House coupons.” Sophia Says.
In the background you can hear Stevie yelling, “She’s full of all of the shit.”
“You don’t know who I am do you?” Sophia asks.
“I don’t.” Says Richard.
“I took you to a specific scene. Honestly, my favorite scene in any story. And getting to be part of it was magical.” Sophia says.
“Are they about to figure it out?” Stevie yells from the background. Sophia shoots a very stern look back her way.
“OMG. Sophia? Are you Chr…….” Richard begins to say before he is interrupted.
“You know not to say dead names.” Sophia responds.
“It’s been 5 years.” Richard is at a loss for words.
“WILL BE THERE IN 5- Terra” Another text ring from their phones.
“We had some good times. But you are holding yourself back from the greatest adventure of your life. But this time, we are not leaving.” Sophia says.
“I think this reunion might call for my favorite of the pop culture references.” Stevie says.
“That is a wonderful idea.” Sophia responds.
A flash of light happens……And the three are sitting in a sleigh again. A Sleigh with a flux capacitor. This is becoming the Fast & Furious of Christmas stories.
‘What’s This? There is magic everywhere.’ And all of a sudden, the trio landed on Jack Skellington, squishing him up like an accordion. The three high five each other to celebrate, think of it as a locker room celebration with a little bit more rainbows.
The bright light returns. And Richard is transported back to the bedroom with Ashlee. He kisses her on the forehead. And this would be the last time anyone ever saw Richard again. He just vanished into thin air to never be seen from again. And kids, that was the last Christmas I ever experienced at the North Pole.
“But Aunt Rebekah, Richard just died?” My nephew asked.
“How are you going to respond honey?” Ashlee says.
All I could do was muster up a smile, and say maybe that Christmas magic made me Santa Claus.
“AUNT ASHLEE. ARE ANY OF THESE STORIES TRUE?” Our nephew demanded.
“The only fiction in this story is your Aunt Rebekah ever implying she was ever manly.” Ashlee says.
And that concludes our 12th story. The magic of Christmas is inside all of you….
And the phone rang with a notification…….