I don’t give a shit. I get that it’s Christmas, but what have we been doing for the past year. I have been couped up in front of a computer with a cardboard cutout of myself to give people the false sense of hope that I am actually working.
How in the world are we going to even tell a story when not a damn thing happened to any of us? Look, we took a vaccine, we felt like poop the next day, story. No one wants to read that crap. At this point it makes that KFC Christmas movie look like the effing Titanic.
Hold on, let me tell the everyone’s story so we can save you all the time…. Brodie played some video games, Edd and Kindra did something to stop Christmas by causing everyone at the North Pole to end up in some sort of kerfuffle, Sharon binged The Office for the world record, Ashlee baked some god damn cookies, and Richard did some Santa things. Who the hell cares? It’s the same shit year after year. You know what, I just saved everyone reading this all of the time in the world. And you sitting there behind the keyboard, what do you have to say for yourself? You know I am right.
Well, I mean sure, Sharon watched The Office but that’s like taking a bet if I threw a ball to Helen Keller if she’d catch it. And yes, Ashlee baked something, that is what she does. She gives the world sweets and a mild case of spiked blood sugar. And yes, Brodie played video games. And yes, Edd and Kindra tried to end Christmas to make way for a second Halloween. Yes, that happens.
See, I freaking told you. These stories are predictable. We are like Hallmark but with less straight people. So, what did Richard do? Did they get kidnapped?
Oh, wait a minute. I got it. The sleigh crashes in a field outside a small town that doesn’t know Santa Claus and some how Santa ends up with Amnesia. And the only person who can save him is Mickey Mouse and a jar of Jif Peanut Butter.
That’s a little weird even for me. But no.
Wait, Wait, I got it. Richard is going to enter a singing reality show dedicated to Christmas Music and the only way to save Christmas is to win. The obstacle he has to overcome is that when he sings, he sounds like a cat in a dryer.
No, I think that is the premise of story 4.
Alright smartass. Since I apparently have no idea what I am talking about. Why don’t you let me in on what Richard is doing this year?
I could but I don’t want to spoil the story for anyone reading this conversation aloud.
Have you told your therapist about this? You may need to do that.
One or twice.
I think for the sake of my sanity and to give the readers the perfect description as the narrator, I need to know the story in advance. It will only help my abilities to work with the obscure pop culture references you like to throw into these things.
Look, I think it’s just better for the flow of the story that I don’t tell you what is going to happen. Because I do not need you freaking out. Remember when I sent out that memo telling everyone I was switching the brands of toilet paper in our office bathroom?
Why would you switch from using Charmin? It’s like wiping with a cloud.
That is the reason I do not want to tell you. You do not take change well.
Listen you uppity Jackass, I can take change just fine. You know what, I bet you don’t even have a story this year. I bet you are making this up as we go along. You won’t tell me because you don’t know. I figured out your little secret.
Sure. That’s it. (Said Sarcastically)
Did you really have to put that in parenthesis? Well, prove me wrong. Show me what kind of author skills you have oh wise one.
Are you sure about this?
Yeah. Cause you don’t have anything. (Said like a pompous ass).
That is not cool.
You deserved it.
I’m waiting. Plus, I have a fruitcake in the over. Time is of the essence.
I knew you didn’t have anything. Writer’s block is a MFer. Do not fret. I would tell you it happens to all of the greats, but you are not in that league. You are slightly above the people who wrote the last Phone Book and that is pushing it.
I knew it….
RICHARD IS DEAD.
I knew you didn’t have a damn, WAIT WHAT?
This is just part 1 and you killed off the main character before they even appear in this story. Have you been learning how to write from George R.R. Martin?
Stay Tuned for Part 2…
Oh Hell No. You can’t just kill off the main character. What do you mean sort of? How is someone sort of dead? Make it make sense. You are not getting away from me that easily. I need answers.
And you will find out what happens in Part 2 of The 12th Stereotypical Story of Christmas.
There is nothing Stereotypical about killing off your main character before the story truly begins. You heartless fuck.